I'm not really sure if God wants me to do this.

Be honest with me...how often in your life have you said that line?  I'm not even thinking about you saying it out loud to someone else (although in most cases you probably have done that) but the times you've said to yourself when it gets difficult that you don't know if God wants you to do it or not?  You face a challenge or a hurdle and suddenly you question the effort that has to go into it.  Sometimes you ask yourself the question and keep silent because you don't want to allow people to see behind the curtain.  After all, if you're a guy, men need to be "men" and you're not supposed to show emotion or concern.  You're supposed to be the warrior who fights anything until he drops dead from spending every ounce of energy.

If you said you've done it, then you and I have at least one thing in common. 

Most people who know me (all five of them) or regular readers of this blog (both of you) know that I love writing and one of my biggest desires is to become a published author.  I'm not really looking for the fame and fortune (although it would be nice to make a living at it) but rather I enjoy telling stories that other people like to read.  Writing things that make them either escape the pressures of an insane world or perhaps give them pause when considering some part of life.  Writing blog entries is fun and can spur good conversation but there's something about holding a printed book in your hands that carries a little more weight to it.  (I know there are electronic readers out there and they are the "wave of the future"...but I still like a hold-it-in-my-hands book.)

The odds of being a published author are slim.  Now, I know there are professors of writing who post on the internet that there are no odds but rather good and crappy work but even if you write something really good there's no guarantee that you're going to get published from the first publisher who reads it.  Or second.  Or third.  Or ninety-fifth.  So going in I know that I'm facing a pretty large mountain with a very narrow and twisting path to the top. I know there's no way I'm going to come out of the gates with a piece of writing so good it's like a giant mystical balloon that lifts me all the way up the mountain to where Michael Hyatt is sitting cross-legged, dressed like a sherpa saying "welcome, O rapidly balding one."

I don't have advanced degrees in writing like some people that I know.  I'm aware I don't always use the proper syntax and sentence structure.  I've used the word "ain't."  I'm well aware that my first work in progress (hereafter called Bob) is definitely not ready for prime time (and not in a Saturday Night Live kind of way either.  Then again, if I compared it to THIS season...)  I know full well there's work that needs to be done and revisions that need to be made to all of it.  The last thing I think is that I'm ready for the big time.

Yet when I come face to face with the mountain and having to take one more step up the narrow, rocky trail I have to marshall the strength to do it.

That's when the line "I'm not really sure God wants me to do this" comes back around.  It's like your "get out of working your hindquarters off" card.  If you say that and you can get someone to agree (even if that's just yourself) then you have your excuse to give up.  It may NOT be what God wants you to do but I promise you that He will make it clear to you in a way other than you just asking yourself after a minor bump in the road.  If God doesn't want you to do something...and you TRULY are seeking His direction...you won't be unclear about it very long.  In a weird sense, having to keep asking if what you're doing is what God wants you to do is a good thing.  It means the door hasn't slammed shut yet.  You may not have walked through it yet but the door's not closed. 

So don't slam it shut.  Do whatever it takes to keep it open.  Prop it with a copy of War and Peace because that'll keep any door open.

One thing I had to do very recently was take stock in what God may be doing in my life.  I had a critique of Bob by a guy in a writer's group to which I attend meetings and annoy the faciliator.  In his comments, he pointed out one of Bob's major flaws and it was something that unchecked could run rampant through Bob's body requiring major cosmetic surgery.  In my head, Bob wasn't Brad Pitt yet...more like Ryan Reynolds (a.k.a. that guy in The Proposal with Sandra Bullock)...yet this flaw made Bob look like Marty Feldman on a good day.  I didn't like Bob at that moment.  I looked at Bob and saw a complete rebuilding project.  My enthusiasm for Bob was fading faster than Donovan McNabb at crunch time. 

I actually said out loud to my wife..."I'm not really sure God wants me to do this."

I didn't want to start over...again.  I loved Bob's story...I still think it's a pretty good story...and I wasn't opposed to working or re-writing.  I just looked up at the mountain in front of me and began to doubt that I could make the climb.  It seemed every step I tried to take forward I would slip back two spots.  This latest critique made me feel like I slid all the way back down the mountain. 

Which I knew wasn't reality.  I still had the story.  I still had the characters.  I just had flaws in the way the story was written and some structure.  Things that COULD be worked on and improved.  It just meant in the words of Gus Cantrell..."sweat, sweat and more sweat."  Despite knowing all of that...I still wondering if God really wanted me to do be doing this.

Written out I know how pathetic it looks.  Trust me, I know.  Yet how many of us do this all the time? 

I had to stop and look at the things God's dropped into my lap since I said "Ok, I'll finish the book."  He's moved me to a community where I've found a writer's group aimed at encouraging each other with published authors who can provide real, practical direction.  He's allowed me to make contact with book publishers, writers and just cool people who work at Thomas Nelson.  He's put me in a church which actually encourages their members to go after the things they feel God is calling them to do...and understand when someone needs some support to get there.  He dropped a netbook into my lap at no out of pocket cost so that I don't have to haul the big, heavy laptop around if I want to go writing.  He had me find City Limits Cafe in Bellevue...an out of the way place with great salads and a staff that is genuinely nice.  How many places could you go to where almost all the staff will come up and ask how your book is going?

If that wasn't enough...he's allowed me contact with people like Randy Elrod and Spence Smith and so many other people who've given me practical advice on how to pursue what I feel within my heart.  I've had ample conversations with pastors like Blake Bergstrom and Justin Davis who help me see the way.  There have been encouraging words and comments both on this blog, via Twitter and in person that I could spend the entire day thanking everyone by name.  (If you have encouraged me and you aren't on this list, I do appreciate you.)  There was even someone out there who bought me a piece of software to help my writing completely anonymously...I'm still stunned by that person's generosity.

And...there's been my wife telling me go to City Limits and write.  Or who keeps telling me I can do it.  Who keeps encouraging me every step of the way.  My parents who keep asking about how things are going. 

Yet through ALL of that...I still said "I'm not really sure God wants me to do this."

So if you're in the midst of chasing a "dream" that you feel God has placed in your heart...know that discouragement is going to come your way.  I recently read a pastor (I think it was Rick Warren) who said that if you're chasing after what God wants you to pursue with all your heart that the enemy will do all that he can do to keep you from obtaining it.  Self-doubt isn't something that God places within you.  If God doesn't want you to do something, He won't just make you doubt it and hope that you eventually will knock it off.

If you're in that discouraged place, if you have something where right now you're saying "I don't know if God wants me to do this"...take a minute and step back.  Look at everything around you and the ways God may have encouraged you along that path.  Don't look at the massive mountain that may be in front of you but the next step on that path.  Look behind you...at all the rest areas, large handholds and even the people who gave you boosts to the next level.  Take a deep breath, thank God for all those things and then turn around and move forward again.  As long as the path's there...keep walking.