This is one of those posts that make my parents cringe.  They're of the old school where you don't reveal too much of yourself online because you never know who sees it and how they might use it against you.   You never know if (God forbid) something happens to my current job what any future employer would think of seeing something like this on the internet.  I would hope most employers would see someone who's open and honest but I know there's a very good chance all they would see are the negatives.  This would be especially true if this was read by someone who is "Christian."  However, I've started this blog sharing what I'm really feeling and being as transparent as you can be with pixels on the screen and I'm not going to stop now.

Yesterday during the sermon at Cross Point, Blake "The Animal" Bergstrom was preaching on Proverbs and the pursuit of what God wants in our lives.  Reaching the final part of his sermon, Blake said that "Satan's greatest work is to get us pursuing things that are just a little bit off" and "you need to truthfully look at yourself."  Just like I usually get from our regular teaching pastor Pete Wilson, Blake hit me in the side of the head with a spiritual toaster oven. 

I often say that I look at myself realistically and my wife will yell at me for being too hard on myself.  I'll get people telling me to suck up whatever's bothering me and just move on.  I'll get the "it's just Satan attacking you" style comments and told to just tell him where to go.  I'm not ruling out any of those things happening but as I sat in the service alone yesterday (the rest of the family was ill) I came to a truthful realization that hit me, hurt me and it leaving me reeling.

I don't completely trust God...or I don't completely trust myself.  It might be a little of both.  I'm not sure which yet...however...that might explain why He's not letting me involved in any ministry.  It's also pretty sad for someone who knows a ton of Scripture, has ZERO doubts about Christ as Savior of the world & has a passion to see others know that truth and has written blogs & done podcasts talking about the majesty of God.  It's not that I don't know His promises, it's not that I don't believe His promises intellectually...I just have a hard time actually resting in the truth that I know to be true.

Yes, it's a weird dichotomy. 

I'm leaning toward the place where I think perhaps I don't trust myself to trust God.  (An even weirder spot to be standing upon.)  All I know is that earlier this morning when I said on Twitter that I'm not usually a joyful person this is the reason why I'm not so joyful. The baggage that I have with me doesn't just disappear despite the best efforts to just "leave it behind" me.  I've tried to just cut them loose and they keep bouncing behind me like Satanic Sesame Street letters singing Hanson's "Mmm Bop." 

That baggage leads me to question if I can trust God.  Why did He let me watch porn that first time knowing all the damage it would cause me and others?  Why didn't He save my first marriage?  Why did He have the situation be that custody of my beloved sons had to go to my ex-wife?  Why did He allow my son to have autism?  Why did He allow my apartment to burn three months after I was asked to leave my marriage?  Why did he let my step-daughter get attacked just weeks before the wedding?  Why did he have our first miscarriage of twins happen where we lost one, found out we were still having one only to take that one three days after we discovered we still had them?  Why did we have two other miscarriages?  Why did He prod us to move to Nashville only to have the church we were going to join cast us aside without a second thought?  Why does He seem to think I need one painful experience after another after another without a true season of healing or blessing? 

The baggage also leads me to question myself and my decisions.  Why did I get involved in porn in the first place?  (An aside: yes, I wasn't a believer then and could be part of it & I had no idea it would be as harmful as it turned out to be...but I still ask that of myself.)  Why didn't I give all of that up when I came to Christ?   Why did I get involved with a ministry so deeply only to have it crash and burn when the leadership proved to be untrustworthy?  Why couldn't I see who they really were before dedicating time and money to them?  Why do all the ministries I believe God wants me to work with seem to crash and burn after a short time?  Why do I keep putting myself out there for all kinds of things only to see them falter, struggle and fade?  What if all these desires in my heart to serve God as a writer, speaker and teacher are nothing more than my own thoughts being projected onto God?  How do I know He's calling me to do any of it?  Are all of the roadblocks that pop up for my writing God telling me that's not where He wants me to be and I'm just too stubborn to see it? 

When all those questions start running into my head, then I begin to question everything that I think and feel.  That pushes me into a place where I'm not really doing anything and feeds a natural introversion that I have to just keep to myself and never go outside.  At that point, I get frustrated because I want to be out serving God with the talents that I have despite no doors open to do it.   That frustration leads to more doubting and the theft of joy.  It's circle, I know how to break it...and I just can't seem to break through to do it.  So that leads to a whole different question...why doesn't God, the "jealous lover", the One who always wants us to run to Him, meet me where I am and help me break it?  Or...am I at the point where I don't trust what the Holy Spirit is telling me that he could be standing beside me and I can't even see it?  Could He be telling me the path He wants me to walk and I'm so wrapped up in the scars and wounds that I can't see it?  If that's the case...why can't the God who is all powerful and rules everything just rip all of that away and say "OK, Kid.  Time to quit floundering.  Take your first steps over here."

This post might shock and disappoint the few of you who follow this blog on a regular basis.  If you've been under the impression I somehow have it all together and have a direct hotline to 877-77-GO-GOD then I apologize.  I've just been sharing what's in my heart and what I've been feeling when I pray or read the Bible or listen to sermons or read blog posts from people much more together than me.  If you don't want to or just can't follow me, then check out folks who have it much more together than I do like Pete Wilson or Justin Davis or Spence Smith or Shaun Groves or Crystal Renaud or Matthew Paul Turner or just about anyone in the blogroll to the right of this posting.  They'll likely have a better basis that I do for their thoughts.  All I have is a PhD in Somehow Staying Alive from the University of Hard Knocks, Boise, Idaho and an unusual knowledge of Scriptures for someone who didn't go to Bible college.

I'm thinking that the lack of joy I feel is directly related to the baggage I need to check on a plane to the Bermuda Triangle.  Believe me...I'm working on it.  Still, in light of the sermon from yesterday I had to take a realistic look and this is where I am.  It's not pretty but I'm going to keep going...and hoping that perhaps God will show up to help me clear away from of the fog.